I’m dreaming in pictures, kinetic moments rebirthing new emotional landscapes, past shadows transforming into particles of light and resilience.
It was never suppose to be easy. I get it now. I get it but I need to reorganize myself every morning to really trust it and to not be afraid when again all the emotions will wash over me still. But yeah, it took a while. It took a while to get in to the same page with myself, with the inner being nesting somewhere deep down in my core, the one that holds access to the past, the present and the future. That deep inner knowing reminding me constantly; all the shit that I went through wasn’t for nothing. It was about to create something beautiful. It was about to build incredible futuropias and it will be my access to the ancient wisdom of self healing, of trusting life, of real compassion and empathy, of deeper connections with others – of the path of my own and of the futurebeings we are about to create together.
It’s never for nothing. The struggles we go through. Trust me, never. It all just boils down to the question of are you willing to sit with it? With the pain? With the uncertainty? Are you willing to step in to the unknown with the pain and see how it transforms, particle by particle? There is never knowing how long it will take and there’s never knowing what forms it’ll take while travelling through you. But I don’t know any other way to do the alchemy work. To really mould and shift energies, decoding ancient patterns and reframing the pain to be part of the story. A relevant part of it. The story of becoming. The story of becoming you and to the story of owning your voice – carving space for your existence. Your unique being as a part of the universal symphony.
It just turned to September and already this year has been incredible. With alllll the feels. I can’t remember a time I was so full of life. I’ve also never been this scared before and faced with total unknown while stepping into this new era of living, working, creating and existing without borders. This new era of fluidly organizing myself around the structures of the decaying old formative/normative ruins of “how things are done” or better yet how they used to were done. Never the less it’s scary and shaky but it’s also one hundred percent worth of it all. Stepping into this new way of being and creating my life as I go I’ve stumbled on all kinds of absurd and simultaneously life-giving opportunities and situations. Few of these have paved my way into new adventures and couple of them literally have changed my life.
I’d like to highlight this one particular entity and playground here because it’s something that still resonates throughout my bones and veins. It has also been something that made this becoming month’s new adventure possible. You’ll never know who you’ll end up meeting, encounter with – you’ll never know how your story is about to continue if you don’t take a chance and show up for it. So I did show up. Regardless how scary it first felt like, to invest (financially, energetically) in this already uncertain life situation that I’m in currently felt like a huge stretch but intuitively I also knew that I will do it. After a month long inner struggle I finally decided to accept this position that I was given to – to participate in the MODULE held and facilitated by this gorgeous human being and dance artist Sidra Bell. I participated not really knowing where I was about to dive in. That particular week in CPR New York served as a changing point for something so much bigger on my journey and path here. And it definitely was one of the most emotional dance related experiences that I’ve ever had a chance to have. It somehow (magically) shifted a lot of stagnant energy in me and as it worked as a rebirthing nest of my artistic path it also worked as a tomb of my old shedded skin that I got to leave behind to continue my path just a little bit lighter. It was a long time coming. I just didn’t know or guess that this situation and opportunity would be the one to do the trick.
There is something beautiful and deeply vulnerable in coming back to something. For me entering a space where I was invited to take part of the dance, the creation, the process, the sharing, the play and the practice was intimidating because I knew in a way I was coming home I just didn’t know how it would feel like. I didn’t know if I could handle it. I didn’t know how much the past would haunt me and would I find a way to update, upgrade, evolve with this form of creating anymore. I have to mention that this whole year, me moving back to Berlin and getting in to the grind again has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It also brought me back to the dance studio, to the regular training sessions and back to my craft. But this residency/laboratory/experimental playground was still something different. Deeper, more intimate – an alchemy work.
I’m still blown away how she (Bell) holds the space for people to enter. How naturally she gives us, the participants, an opportunity to carve our own path but still be part of others journeys, simultaneously. Working with her I understood how much I love words. How they carry energy, how they manifest the future and how they draw the present moment out of us. Dancing became singing, movements molded into poems, encounters with others washed away the past and created something more relevant – opened up the now in me. Made me remember that we are one.
It felt like a prayer. It felt like an answer. It felt like a beginning. Dying and being reborn again. And from those utopias and momentary realms that we created together, all of us sharing that sacred space, I found people, incredible artists that I will continue working with in this becoming autumn and hopefully longer. Sharing a space and a journey like that is life changing in a way. It leaves marks, languages unknown written all over your bodymindsoul and after that nothing is the same.
That’s the beauty of life ever changing. It shifts and turns. And it’s not ours to control. But we can learn how to float, it just needs a hell of a lot of letting go and release work. And it needs us to step in to the flow even though it’s scary.
I knew it wasn’t for nothing. It was just the beginning. And as it was a beginning of something special and personal it was also the beginning of my new project “FUTUREDANCES”. With that project I’m traveling back to New York next and from there to Pittsburgh. I’m invited to take part of this artists residency in the CMOA, the Carnegie Museum of Arts with an amazing artists working with me and from there the project travels to the next residency it was invited to, in India. So stay tuned because it my dears is on now.
Thank you for coming to my “ted talk”, it became quite a long post this time but hey it’s been months so bear with me. If you made it this far – u golden.
Photo: Umi Akiyoshi Photography